A reader wrote in to the Ask Capt. Noah column at Catamaran Sailor, inquiring: I recently joined a gym and have started working out to improve my health and my sailing. I am kind of new to this sort of thing. It was around my fourth or fifth day at the gym when a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

Capt Noah responded: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; although if you find that it becomes the only reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

******

Elsewhere in this issue is a feature article I wrote about how to choose a boat. (What’re ya gonna use it fer?) This time I thought I’d write about selecting a marina. Well, actually, it’s about not selecting a marina. Let me explain.

This is about things to beware of when looking for a slip to rent. In other words, here are a few indications you’re in the wrong marina.

                                                                    #

First, try to get a general feel for the ambiance of the place. Are there lots of dead animals littering the grounds? How far can you walk without stepping in something squishy? Does the marina smell like the inside of a chicken house or the cushions of your Aunt Frieda’s old sofa?

Is the large pipe that empties into the marina basin labeled “Municipal Sewer System”?

Take a look at the surrounding neighborhood. When you made your initial visit, were there any drive-by shootings? Were you mugged outside – or perhaps inside – the marina’s gate?

How are you greeted when you arrive at the facility? Are you attacked by a pack of the owner’s dogs more than half the time? And speaking of the owner, is he still sober by 8 a.m.? Does he exhibit any eccentric behavior such as wearing his pants backwards? (Though, come to think of it, this may not be considered as all that eccentric in some locales.) Does he carry a sidearm? What caliber?

Scope out the other boats in the marina to determine whether or not you’ll fit in. Is the newest boat there a 1966 River Queen with a slight starboard list? How many of the existing boats in the marina are actually floating? Try to determine if the percentage is greater than half. At low tide, are even the Sunfish and canoes aground?

Visit the marina at various times. In the evening are there many screams and the sounds of glass breaking? In the early morning hours, what is the first thing you hear? Is it the rumble of heavy flatulence echoing across the fairway?

Do a goodly number of other boaters there have names such as Snake, Spyder, Fat Bob or Attila? Are many of the other slipholders exceptionally hairy?

How about the yard help – by any chance is the lone dockhand named Doofus? Or at least do most of the slipholders and the owner call him that? Does the dockmaster wear leather?

Check out the physical condition of the equipment. Is the travel lift made of material beefier than two-by-fours? Does the fuel dock still pump Esso Extra? Do the floating piers still float? How about if you actually step on one? Can ducks and geese cross the swimming pool by walking on top of the scum layer? Can you cross the swimming pool the same way?

Pay particular attention to the docks. Do the pilings exhibit new growth, such as branches or other greenery? Be suspicious if most of the cleats are made of old piston rods nailed to the dock. Are there any sizable holes in the docks? Are any of them bloodstained around the edges? Is much of the pier’s planking made of very thin wooded stamped with “Florida Oranges”?

If you can, observe the cleaning procedure of the restrooms. If the primary cleaning tool is a grenade, you may wish to look elsewhere.

********

Sometimes the little guy prevails.

It’s with considerable pleasure that I’m able to tell our readers and advertisers that as of January 16, the litigation commenced against me, Nor’easter Magazine and our corporate entity, Wharf Rat Press Corp., has been withdrawn by Chesapeake Publishing Corp., publisher of The Mariner.

We at Nor’easter always believed that Chesapeake’s claims were without merit, so this result was one that we had expected from the date the litigation began early last year.

Right from the start it has been our policy to vigorously defend any frivolous claims brought against us by our larger competitors. And we will continue to abide by this policy.

Looking back on it, the headline on a front page news story which appeared in the April 2 edition of The Herald, a local publication in these parts, was downright prophetic. It read: “Black says Nor’easter will not blow away.”

It is Nor’easter’s intention to continue to distribute a top-quality product, and it will do so without further interference from its competitors.

I and the staff of Nor’easter thank all of the magazine’s many supporters, especially its advertisers, who put their faith – and their financial support – behind our publication through the early stages of its development and who continue to do so. Without this support, we may not have survived. And of course we thank our readers who over the past year have made Nor’easter the premier boating publication on the Bay and beyond.

Thank you. We’ll keep on keepin’ on!

******

You may remember a column I wrote back in August regarding a boater who, while retrieving his anchor, brought up more than just mud.

Barry Schwaab, from Fullerton, MD, along with sons Eddie and Nick, were finishing up a week’s fishing and cruising aboard the family’s 33-ft. classic Chris Craft and had anchored for a couple of days in Fairlee Creek.

When they got ready to leave they noticed that the anchor seemed unusually heavy. After struggling with it for awhile, they finally freed it from the bottom only to discover the rode was tangled in an outboard motor.

Said Schwaab: “It was a real mess, The motor shroud was missing and the powerhead was loaded with mud and all kinds of tiny clams and little crabs.”

Once the motor was aboard, they washed it off and placed it in a big cooler full of water. The following day, after arriving home, they drained the carburetor and cylinders, dried it off and pulled the starter cord. The engine roared to life on the second pull.

Schwaab told me, “I was surprised to find out the motor was probably not more than about three years old and don’t believe it had been in the water more than a week or so. It’s as clean as a whistle.”

He added: “I know that if the motor was mine and I’d lost it, I’d feel pretty bad.”

So he contacted Nor’easter hoping we’d tell the story so that Schwaab and the boys could return the motor to its rightful owner. They had already been offered several hundred dollars for it but felt they had at least to try and locate the owner. I ran the story along with Schwaab’s telephone number in the August 31 edition.

Every once in awhile I found myself wondering if the owner had ever been found, but figured if and when that occurred I’d hear about it. Months passed.

Finally, just a couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call from Chesapeake Bay boater Tim Widdowson. He told me about a weekend in August that he was anchored in Fairlee Creek on his 30-ft. Sea Ray just off Great Oaks Marina between the marina and the sandbar.

“I was about to put my 9-ft. inflatable back up on the swim platform and had grabbed hold of the ’98 Nissan 8-hp outboard I had on the inflatable. But this time, for whatever reason, I lifted it by the engine cover and the cover came off in my hands. The motor went straight to the bottom.”

Widdowson and the guests on his boat dove for the motor for about an hour. Another boater came by and helped by dragging for the motor. Even an NRP patrol boat put in an appearance. But it was all to no avail and they gave up on it. Eventually, he replaced the lost motor with a new one.

Some time later, he was telling friend Jim Samm about the incident. Samm, an avid Nor’easter reader, remembered the story about a motor being found and told Widdowson about it.

Recalls Widdowson, “I felt like I was coming out of the Twilight Zone when he told me about it. The thing he remembered most was me telling him how I was left holding the motor shroud. I never really expected to see that motor again. Actually, I was going to throw the shroud away, but something made me hold onto it.”

To make a long story even longer, Widdowson called here, got Schwaab’s number and called him, identified the motor, and made an appointment to get together with Schwaab and the boys.

Says Widdowson of Schwaab, “He’s an extraordinary person. I can’t believe he took all that time and effort to return the motor. Most people just wouldn’t go to all that trouble – or even do it at all. He wanted to show his children that the right thing to do when you find something is to try and return it. I don’t know how to express my gratitude. I offered to give him the shroud and said he could keep the motor, but he wouldn’t take it.

“I grew up on the water,” adds Widdowson. “My grandfather was a waterman. And I truly believe that the most honest and finest people you’ll ever find are on the bay. I still can’t believe he went to all that trouble.”

For Barry, Eddie and Nick Schwaab it was just the right thing to do.

And a big Nor’easter salute to them.

******

                      Things To Think About

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and I see a pattern emerging.

– Mike Peters

In this sinister world we can no longer luxuriate in comfortable liberal delusions. The price is not worth the principle.

– David D. Perlmutter

Behold the fisherman. He ariseth early and disturbeth the entire household. He maketh mighty preparations. He returneth late smelling of strong drink. And the truth is not in him.

– Anonymous

 The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is a bad golfer goes Whack, “Damn!” while a bad sky skydiver goes “Damn!” Whack!

– Wistar Fripple

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

– Truisms

You missed 5^th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

– How to tell if you’re a redneck

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

– The perks of being over 55

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

– Anonymous

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.

– Sentiments you’ll never see on a Hallmark card

To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.

– Great Stuff

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

– Onus Terchenko

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t go to yours.

– Yogi Berra

Boy, you spend half yer damn time wishin’ fer stuff you could have if ya didn’t spend half yer time wishin’!

– Juke the waterman